New Starters
Some useful tips and advice from child psychologist Dr Claire Halsey and child development researcher Dr Michelle Lowe are included below:
Separation anxiety is when your child just doesn’t want you to leave them in an unfamiliar situation, whether this is at nursery or with grandparents or other relatives.
It is very common in children. You might feel guilty or upset at the sight of your child crying or getting worried and sad whenever you leave, but it is completely normal and something lots of parents go through.
Separation anxiety is part of your child’s development of their understanding of the world and their place within it. It’s a sign they like you when they get upset – they’re worried that when you leave their sight, you might no longer exist! As they get older, they learn this is a way to exert control over a Parent/Carer.
Over time, they develop the understanding that when you’ve disappeared out of view, it doesn’t mean you’ve disappeared altogether, and so usually children grow out of it as they come to learn. To do so, a consistent approach needs to be adopted.
1. Practise plenty of short separations from your little one.
Over time, they'll learn that if you leave them, they’ll be OK and that you will come back. As they get older, they work towards longer separations and leaving them in less familiar places.
2. Be positive as you say goodbye.
Smile and wave confidently as you leave them. You might be feeling worried, but don’t show it - if your child picks up on it, they will become worried too.
3. Talk about what you'll do together later
If your child is feeling anxious, distract them by talking to them about what you're going to do when you see them again, so they have something to look forward to with you.
4. Make saying goodbye a positive time
When you are leaving, always smile and wave confidently and happily, even if you're feeling worried and sad. Children pick up on how you're feeling.
5. Play peekaboo
Playing hide and seek at home is great for helping develop a child's sense of 'object permanence'. This is the understanding that you don't just disappear from the world when they can no longer see you.
6. Leave at a good moment and avoid prolonging the separation point
Educational psychologist Dr Alison Gurney shares her top tips about getting ready for this journey with your child.
The 3-3-3 Technique for Kids
How to Calm an Anxious Child & Support Their Nervous System
The 3-3-3 rule is a grounding technique that calms an anxious child. Ask your child to name 3 things they can see, 3 sounds they can hear, and 3 parts of their body to move. The exercise interrupts panic by reconnecting the brain to the present moment.
- The 3-3-3 rule = 3 see, 3 hear, 3 move. No equipment, no training.
- It works by gently shifting a child’s focus away from anxiety and back into the here-and-now.
- Best suited for ages 3+, with a simplified version that works beautifully for our younger little ones.
- Useful before nursery drop-off, after a meltdown, at bedtime, or during big transitions like a new sibling or starting school.
- It’s a calming tool, not therapy. Persistent or escalating anxiety should always be discussed with your GP or health visitor.
Why Do Toddlers & Young Children Get So Anxious?
Understanding Separation Anxiety
Anxiety in children rarely looks like the “anxious adult” we picture. In a small child, it can show up as:
These are rarely signs of a “bad day” or a child being “difficult”. In fact, they’re almost always a young nervous system trying to process something that feels too big: a new room, a new face, a separation, an unexpected change in routine.
Grounding techniques like the 3-3-3 rule are designed to give that nervous system a soft place to land.
How to Do the 3-3-3 Rule, Step by Step
You can use this on the school run, in the queue at Tesco, at the nursery door, or in the back seat of the car. Here’s the full sequence; it takes 30 to 60 seconds.
See — Name 3 things you can see
Get down to your child’s eye level. In a soft voice, ask:
Hear — Name 3 sounds you can hear
Move — Wiggle 3 parts of your body
Why Does the 3-3-3 Rule Actually Work?
When children become overwhelmed, their brain enters fight-or-flight mode. This response is run by the amygdala, a tiny, ancient region of the brain whose only job is to keep us safe. Unfortunately, the amygdala doesn’t distinguish between “a tiger is chasing me” and “Mummy is leaving me at nursery.” To this part of the brain, both feel equally urgent.
Grounding exercises like the 3-3-3 rule gently reroute attention through the senses. As a result, by engaging sight, hearing, and movement deliberately, you give the prefrontal cortex, the thinking, calming part of the brain, a chance to come back online.
In practice, you can actually see this happen: shoulders drop, breath slows, eye contact returns. It’s the same principle behind the better-known 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique used by Young Minds and other UK mental health charities.
When You Should Use the 3-3-3 Rule?
5 Common Moments for Parents:
| Situation | Example Phrasing | Why It Helps |
|---|---|---|
| Nursery drop-off | “Before I go, can you find three yellow things in the classroom?” | Replaces panic with curiosity |
| Bedtime worries | “Three sounds you can hear in your bedroom?” | Calms a busy brain before sleep |
| After a meltdown | “Let’s wiggle three things together — toes first.” | Helps a child come back into their body |
| Big transitions (new sibling, moving house, starting school) | “Three things you love about today?” | Anchors them in the present |
| Public meltdowns (shops, soft play) | “Quick game: three sounds, go!” | Quick, no equipment, works anywhere |
Parents often forget that nursery drop-off triggers their own nervous system, too. The lump in your throat as you walk back to the car is real, and the 3-3-3 rule works just as well on you as it does on your child.
Try it in the car park on the way back: three things you can see (the brick wall, your steering wheel, a tree); three sounds you can hear (traffic, a bird, your own breathing); three parts of your body to move (shoulders, jaw, hands). Ultimately, A calmer parent makes a calmer child, and the school run gets gentler for both of you.
How Do You Choose the Right Calming Technique for Your Child?
Not every technique works for every child. Use this quick checklist to pick what to try first:
3-3-3 rule, 5-4-3-2-1, breath counting
Sensory grounding (cold cloth, weighted blanket, hugging tight), point-and-name
Start with the “see” step, or use “I Spy” games
Start with the “move” step, or try jumping/stomping
Whispered version of 3-3-3 or "find one quiet sound"
Pair 3-3-3 with a consistent goodbye ritual, our guide on how to settle a child into nursery walks through this in detail.
The 3-3-3 Rule vs Other Calming Techniques
| Technique | Best for |
|---|---|
| 3-3-3 rule (30–60 secs) | Mid-level anxiety, transitions, ages 3+ |
| 5-4-3-2-1 grounding (1–2 mins) | Older children & adults, deeper anxiety |
| Belly breathing (2–5 mins) | Bedtime, sustained calm |
| Sensory hug / weighted blanket (instant) | Pre-verbal toddlers, sensory overload |
| Counting backwards (30 secs) | Older children, mild overwhelm |
Frequently Asked Questions About the 3-3-3 Rule for Kids
The classic 3-3-3 rule works well from around age 3, when children can count and follow simple instructions. For younger toddlers (1–2 years), use a simplified “1-1-1” version: point to one thing to see, one to hear, and one to touch.
The principle is identical, engaging your senses to reconnect with the present, but adults usually use the longer 5-4-3-2-1 version. The 3-3-3 rule is the simplified, child-friendly form, and works just as well on tired parents at the nursery gate.
Most children visibly settle within 30 to 60 seconds. If your child is in full meltdown, allow them to release the emotion first; the 3-3-3 rule works best as the storm is passing, not at its peak.
Don’t force it. Try modelling it out loud yourself: “I can see a red car. I can hear the wind. I can wiggle my nose.” Children often join in once the pressure is off. If they consistently refuse, switch to a different sense-based activity like a quick texture hunt or smell game.
Yes. Grounding techniques like the 3-3-3 and 5-4-3-2-1 rules are widely used in trauma-informed care, anxiety therapy, and CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). They engage the parasympathetic nervous system and shift activity away from the amygdala (panic) and back to the prefrontal cortex (thinking). The NHS lists similar techniques in its general anxiety guidance.
